The ‘Parenting’ segment of this week’s episode on the Moncrieff One listener asked for advice on her teenage son, who has been lying repeatedly in recent weeks.
Joanna Fortune, psychotherapist specialising in Child & Adult Psychotherapy, joined Moncrieff To answer your questions and those of other listeners.
The question is:
“My sweet son is 13. He started lying over the past two years, even though he is very good at it.
“It’s not about stupid, pointless things. It’s about important ones. He was lying about school exams, results (even though I knew I’d get one), losing things and calling in to friends, all of it. It seems second-nature.”
“He doesn’t care enough for video games, phones, etc. so punishing his behavior doesn’t seem like a good idea.”
“We had long talks about how I don’t trust him, and he wants more autonomy.”
“He is so smart and I have high expectations, but I don’t think I place too much pressure on him.”
“I feel so bad about this, it must be downto his relationship to me. It’s beyond my comprehension.
“My mother lied to me about everything. “I can’t bear the thought of him being the same.”
Joanna’s advice:
“There are many things in that last line because that’s what I consider to be the key. It was a lie from your mother, and that is very difficult for a child who grew up with a lying parent.
“As a parent, your relationship is the core trust-based connection between you and your parent. But if you can’t trust this person, that can be very frustrating.
“I would ask if you are able and safe to do so. Just to reflect and answer the following questions: What was it like growing up with a parent who you could not trust completely?
“How has this influenced your parenting?”
“That’s him. This is your story, and you must listen to it.”
“We have lots of questions about lying to younger children – they tell big stories and lie about things that you know.”
“I truly believe that it is a milestone in my development to be able to tell convincing lies and refine them.” It is just as important to tell the truth.
But it changes as they age and he’s 13. We see lies at 13 when teens try to control their parents’ knowledge about them and their lives so they omit details.
“It’s normal for adolescents to want more privacy and less to be told, and parents will always want to learn more.”
“Especially when it is about these silly and stupid, pointless, things, as this parent wrote,
“Dealing as a parent with lying… it’s frustrating, and it can be confusing.”
“Is it a short-term benefit for him to delay the point at confrontation about the report?” Because then he will lie to you.”
“If I asked your son if you put pressure on them, what would he answer? What would he say if he was asked to change his answer?
“Think about it from his 13 year-old brain, his 13 year-old developmental perspective. What would he think of the story you just told?
“I’m not saying that you won’t go. He’s right, but you’re wrong.”
“In fact you might even double down and say, I’m more right than what I thought I was.”
It’s not all about that. It’s about trying to see things from a different perspective.
“This whole article about how he doesn’t care enough for video games, phones to punish him–I’m glad he does not.”
“Punishing is not the solution.” Be sure to first establish emotional connection before you attempt behavioral correction.
“What do your favorite things to do with him?” What is he most interested in doing with you?
“Invest in this connection with him, especially when he is young, and he will value it more. The trust, and thus the honesty, will also grow.”
“It might be worth taking him to a competent mental health professional who can give his space. At thirteen, he will have to desire to go and do it.
Image: Phanie/Alamy Stock Photo
