Antoanela Daha and her husband, Ion, traveled to Boston from Newington, Connecticut, to help their only daughter, Alexandra, a first-year bioengineering student, move into one of the Northeastern University’s dorms.
When it came time to say goodbye, Daha went to hug her daughter and realized that she couldn’t let Alexandra go, she says. Her emotions flooded.
“I am never like this,” Daha says. “I always said to her, ‘Honey, sky’s the limit. I will not hold on to you.’”
Throughout Alexandra’s life Daha has been involved in everything her daughter was doing, she says. School, track, cross-country skiing, theater—Daha was at all of the events.
“I was there, and then all of a sudden she won’t need me,” Daha says. “It’s like I am losing my job.”
A child going off to college is usually an ambivalent experience, says Laurie Kramer, professor of applied psychology at Bouvé College of Health Sciences.
It is a time of celebration and happiness for families. To be able to attend college of their choosing, students worked very hard. In almost all cases, parents have supported and loved their children and provided every chance for them to succeed. Both parents finally see the fruits of their labor.
This transition, on the other hand is a turning point in a family’s life.
“It can be a huge change for parents to realize that they may not have the same type of influence over their child, the same level of contact,” Kramer says.
Children are becoming independent adults, who for the first time are going to be able to decide who they are, apart from their families, what is most important to them, and what their interests are. Kramer says that children learn to be more independent and self-reliant. They also develop the ability to make their own decisions, form their own relationships and take their own actions.
Parents might feel a variety of negative emotions, such as sadness or anxiety. This is something they should acknowledge and accept.
“Anytime we have such a substantial change in how a family operates, it can be experienced like a loss,” Kramer says. “Crying on the way home makes total sense.”
Different families have different experiences sending their children off to college. For some, this may be their first child going to college, for others––their last or the only child.
It is possible for a family to not know what to do or how to prepare their child for college. Kramer says that parents may feel anxious about their child’s acceptance into their new community as an international student, or as a student from an underrepresented group.
Adrianna Crossing, psychologist and assistant professor in the School of Community Health and Behavioral Sciences at Bouvé College of Health Sciences, advises parents to have an open conversation with their child about the changes in their family’s life.
“Anxiety is a future-focused experience,” Crossing says. “And one thing that we can do to help control that anxiety in advance is to have a plan.”
Parents can have an open and honest conversation with their child about how often they can reach them, when they can come to visit, what they can do to help the child, and if they are going to be coming home for holidays.
“You also open up the opportunity for your kids to share what they might be nervous about and what their needs from their parents are,” Crossing says.
Kramer is in agreement that children at this stage in their lives want to have a reliable and accessible support system.
“It is really helpful when parents can just listen, avoid the impulse to solve a problem for their students, ask them what options they may have to address those types of issues or problems themselves, and provide a lot of encouragement and support and remind them that they are well prepared for this,” Kramer says.
Crossing suggests parents might create new routines in order to cope with feelings of grief and loss.
“Routine is very comforting,” she says. “Having a habit and a rhythm to your life can really assist with personal wellness.”
Reframing the experience in a positive light is a healthy way to deal with it. Crossing states that it is important to consider what you might gain, the resources, energy and time that are being freed up.
And don’t be afraid to seek support. You might know someone who has been through something similar, such as sending a child off for college or moving into a new home. Parents can talk to their children and validate their feelings. They might also be able to reconnect with them and plan to go out for dinner.
Crossing encourages parents not to judge themselves if it takes them a few months to get used to the fact that their child is no longer in their home for a decade. If they experience intense grief that is preventing them from participating in their daily activities, it may be time to seek professional help.
Some parents worry that their children may get into trouble or do something that might cause harm to them. Crossing said that it is common for adolescents to make errors, and parents should not be worried about this.
“Adolescents making mistakes are where adults come from,” she says. “And that is just something to maybe have some expectations for.”
Crossing says parents need to be able to trust that they are working every day for their child and have made conscious choices about parenting and values. They should also set an example for their children. That’s not nothing, that is huge, Crossing says.
Antoanela Daha, her only child, has left to attend Northeastern University. She plans to pursue creative hobbies and spend some time with her family.
“I am sure I’ll be okay,” Daha says.
Although she says that her husband will also miss their daughter, he is more rational and less emotional about the matter.
“He knows that she is in the right place,” Daha says. “I think he is very confident that she is going to do very well.”
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