Among the many unfair and outdated societal pressures placed on women is the long-held (and widely accepted) belief of the “maternal instinct,” some innate drive that women have that means they not only want children but instinctively know how to care for them. The inherent belief in a maternal instinct has prevailed across generations and cultures for centuries, and it’s not just women hurt by the belief that some aspect of your sex and/or gender dictates whether or not you’re “designed” to be a parent. The idea of a maternal instinct hurts all of us — women with children, women who don’t want or can’t have children, men, those who don’t fit in the gender binary, and adoptive and foster parents — as it places people into boxes that they might not necessarily fit into.
And while it’s not anything new, the present-day nationwide attack on reproductive rights only serves to perpetuate these beliefs. Attacks on LGBTQIA+ rights can be attributed to both religious and right-wing extremists who want to take away the agency of marginalized groups over their bodies.
Is it true? Scary Mommy tapped two family-based therapists to break down the science of the maternal instinct and determine whether or not it’s the real deal.
What is the science behind maternal instinct and how does it relate to science?
Shontel Cargill, LMFT, regional clinic director with Thriveworks, describes it as “a mother having an innate sense of knowing their baby’s needs and having intuitive knowledge about exactly how to care for and support their children,” an alleged “sixth sense of sorts that only a mother gets,” as Y. Mimi Ryans, LCSW-C, owner and lead therapist at Lighthouse Center for Therapy & Play put it.
As for how that allegedly plays out in real life, per Cargill: The second a woman is handed her baby, she immediately falls head-over-heels in love thanks to a flood of “happy hormones” including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine that impacts behaviors, such as increased bonding, attachment, and protective behaviors. She is instantly a model of a caring, nurturing mother bear.
But the science doesn’t necessarily support this idyllic version of motherhood. A 2018 study showed that warm fuzzy feelings can sometimes take days to manifest after birth, and some women struggle to feel them for months.
These hormonal changes are not permanent. Do Cargill states that these events occur after someone gives birth. Also After becoming parents, you will experience high levels dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Conclusion? “Biologically, there aren’t many differences between how parents respond to having a newborn.”
What are the implications of the maternal instinct trope
“The belief that women uniquely possess a tender temperament and emotional connection that is linked biologically to care for children is patriarchal in nature,” says Cargill. “This long-standing image of women being the primary caretakers for children has also perpetuated this idea of motherhood and what it ‘should’ look like. It really takes a village in order to care for children. Mothers should not be the sole ones responsible. This belief also takes away from the loving, caring environment fathers, adoptive parents, and other parental figures create to bond with, care for, and raise their children.”
“Essentially, maternal instinct is a myth that often applies significant pressures on mothers and sets an impossible expectation for ‘perfect mothering,’ often leading to postpartum depression and anxiety,” she adds. “The truth is that there is no such thing as perfect mothering or parenting. There is no parenting plan when children are born. Parenting involves an evolution of learned behaviors passed down from generation to generation which, again, often takes a village, not just the mother, to fulfill.”
Ryans notes that enforcing this so-called “superpower” makes women feel less-than and makes those who don’t feel that connection to children feel inferior in their own desires and abilities.
“When it comes to parenting, both partners have the ability to make an emotional connection with their little one and provide the support needed to care for their child,” says Cargill.
What can we do to unlearn this idea
As parenting requires a village, so too does dispelling harmful and outdated notions about motherhood. “I believe unlearning the idea of maternal instinct is not something that women should do alone,” says Cargill. “It is important to empower the fact that parenting is a wonderful experience that is not only maternal in nature, but a parental experience. The success of children who are raised in loving environments that include their parents and extended families and friends is crucial to their development. We must go beyond the biological factors and elevate the loving environment parents and support systems create for their children to help them live happy and successful lives.”
Here’s the bottom line: There is no perfect parent. And no one gender or sex is better at parenting children than another. It takes endless love and a wide-reaching network of support and resources to parent a child, and there’s no one right or wrong way to do it. However you’re doing, you’re doing just fine.
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