Jo Mckenzie Mclean, journalist, was first diagnosed with stage 4 bowel carcinoma. She had to break the news to her two young children. Jo Vs Cancer is a candid and sometimes darkly humorous podcast about life with an incurable disease. Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist and offers advice to parents in similar situations.
OPINION: I’ve got cancer: It’s the conversation no-one wants to have with their kids.
There’s no script you can follow, there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Like so many things in parenting, you’re making it up as you go along.
When my clients need to share difficult news with their kids – serious illness and parental separation are probably top of the list – we put some effort into planning it. Because the story you tell – the way you play it – becomes part of your family folklore.
If you or your partner have a serious illness it’s an emotionally-charged, worrying time for your family. The diagnosis often comes as a shock and, as you are getting your head around it, you won’t always say and do the right things.
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Although I made some mistakes when handling Stage 4 cancer in my husband’s case, I decided to tell my teenager children the truth. It was their right, but a lie can come back and bite you, especially if the disease is progressing in an unanticipated direction.
You may find it helpful to first have individual conversations with your children before you come together as a family.
Trust your instincts and make decisions for your children.
These are just a few tips.
Juliane Liebermann/ Unsplash
Parents naturally want to protect their children from bad situations. Sometimes, however, they need to hear some bad news. Which is the best way to approach this?
Plan the first conversation
It’s tempting to go with what’s in your heart, but that’s not necessarily best for your kids. Consider what you would like to say, and more importantly, how your children will feel after the conversation is over.
Reassuring them that you love them and that they’ll be looked after in the weeks and months ahead is paramount.
Use the word “cancer”
It’s okay to cry and stumble over your words.
Your kids won’t judge you – they’ll be thinking about what cancer and the change in their family circumstances will mean for them.
But don’t shy away from the word cancer, don’t call it the Big-C or the C-monster or any other euphemism.
Don’t make it sound horrifying, either. It can be called cancer.
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Karen Nimmo, clinical psychologist, offers some helpful advice to parents of children with cancer.
Keep up-to-date
Tell your kids what you know and what’s going to happen next.
For example, “here’s our immediate treatment plan”.
“These are the steps we’ll be taking.”
Do not try to predict the future. There are no guarantees when it comes to cancer. While it’s good to be optimistic, it’s unfair to be ridiculously so. Always come back to what we’re doing now and next.
Be truthful, but don’t flood them with information
Be honest but be careful not to divulge all you know about cancer.
Teens and seniors may do their research. Keep it as accurate as possible but only tell them what they really need.
ALDEN WILLIAMS/Stuff
Jo Mckenzie Mcclean, a journalist, was diagnosed with stage four bowel cancer in 2005. She had to break the news to her children. After removing a tumor from her ovaries, she is shown here.
Give them concrete tasks
Depending on their developmental stage, children like to help in practical ways.
Please send me a photo to make me feel better. I’d love your help choosing a scarf/hat. You can take me to dinner tonight, or drive you to my appointment.
Allow space for everyone’s feelings
It’s healthy to express your feelings and be vulnerable but try not to use kids as your rock – that’s expecting too much of them, even older kids. Some kids will be emotional, some will shut down – everything’s normal.
Remind them that anyone can ask you any question at any moment. Keep them updated but not too often. This can be especially difficult for anxious children.
Use the word “love”
This is something that no parent should have to hear, even if they are well-intentioned. But it doesn’t hurt any of us, anytime, to be liberal with the word love. No matter how tough your circumstances, or where life lands, if you’ve loved your kids well, you’ve done your job.
