Disclaimer: This article contains information about Sexual abuseSuicidal thoughts, self-harm, and suicidal thinking can all be troubling for some.
Losing my innocence to sexual assault
“What’s better, to have a lifetime of processing or to just be hit with a train carrying loads of suppressed memories? Either or, it’s incredibly painful to realize that someone else’s decision altered the course of your life when they decided to take your innocence.
My daughter was born to me five years ago. She was my greatest blessing. I always knew I wanted to be a mother but my childbirth experience would lead me down a path I wasn’t ready for. This is a story to help the child who was stripped of her innocence. I’m talking about childhood sexual assault, about child molestation.
Unfortunately, 30% of victims go unreported while 90% of survivors know their perpetrator. Let’s just say I’m a part of that 90 percent. I’ll begin by saying my mom and dad are my best friends, so that that’s not a thought in your mind. My husband, my parents, and my girls are my support system.
My story started when I had my first child. I was a mamma bear, and I was very affectionate with certain people. My dog actually growled at me as my predator. My initial reaction was to be cautious with my newborn, and I assumed that it was postpartum depression.
In reality, my postpartum depression was a mask for a more sinister version that I wouldn’t let myself remember.
I had been through extensive therapy for postpartum depression since my first childbirth trauma. I decided to go to a medium to help me get through it.
My reading was interrupted by my cousin, who came through to me to tell me how much he and I were connected. He also worried about me. I was experiencing a lot of ups and downs. I lost all feeling, and the only thing that kept me alive at the time was my two daughters, one already born and one still in my womb.
Regression therapy uses guidance from spirit and a form hypnosis to bring you back to your past memories. As I was recalling, I felt everything again, almost like I was a 3-year old. I could even speak a bit like one.
As this was taking place, I was documenting everything. The only questions being asked were my observations and what was actually happening. As some skeptics may think, there was no influence from medium.
My spirit team (loved ones, guardian angels and your higher self) was validating and confirming my words before I said them. The medium was writing the words down and would show me the same thing as I would. My spirit team confirmed what no one knew. My cousin Helen and my soul sister, they helped me through it all.
Traditional therapy, regression therapy, as well as multiple mediums confirmed my suppressed experiences brought my memories to the surface. Growing up, I wondered how I lost large parts of my childhood memories from when I was a toddler to the time that I was 12 years old.
Why couldn’t I even remember happy memories? My brain’s coping mechanism like most human beings was to throw away the lock and key to it all.
Every time someone would use the words ‘molestation or sexual assault’ and/or I would see a show about it, I would think, I wonder if that ever happened to me, and then immediately my perpetrator’s name would pop into my head. It would be a feeling of guilt, anger, and madness that I felt for believing it was him.
Depression & Suicidal Ideation
I will never have the ‘evidence’ that people need in order to believe me. I only have my memories and triggers. These are the things that help me understand why I was brought up with certain people and things. This was all validated by me. I explained that I was scared of what other people would think and feel, so I suppressed it.
I trusted, and like a lot of childhood survivors who knew their perpetrator, they blamed themselves and still couldn’t wrap their head around that person betraying their trust and stealing their innocence.
I fell into a deep depression again after this realization of everything coming out. I had a suicidal ideation. I imagined when I would be alone and could crash my car, or overdose on my medication. I went on therapy and saw life coaches and mediums.
Since my spirit was heavy, I felt that the spiritual mediums saved and saved me. ‘Do you know you are alive? Do you know you are breathing right now?’ My cousin called me out and he said that I was a ‘dark mama’ in regards to my HelloGorgeousMama Instagram that I was trying to preach about owning your truth and helping moms.
He said you can’t help others until you allow yourself to feel and help yourself. This was the wake-up call that I needed. I knew I couldn’t let my life go at the end because I had two beautiful children dependent on me at that time. I have a husband that loves me and parents who love me.
My daughters, also known as my honeybees helped me rise from the ashes. My second-born, as well as my first-born, helped me to overcome postpartum anxiety. My youngest was a great help in my growth and transformation.
Their unconditional love and support for me taught me how important that love was to me as a child. This was such a different kind of love I didn’t know I needed until I had them and each with their own vibrant miraculous personalities.
Don’t get me wrong, my parents went overboard when it came to me and always have shown love tremendously. They are and will always be amazing. They were both young adults fighting against their own difficulties. I had my own demons that they didn’t know of and I didn’t understand what was happening at the time.
The Resurfacing of Supressed Memories
My childhood memories of molestation were all relived when I was pregnant my second daughter. After my daughter was born, I began my spiritual journey. It meant that I needed to protect my heart and mind as well as my soul. As I had to speak my truth, preserve my space and decide what I wanted in my life for my family (aka my beehive), my circle became even tighter.
As I came closer to healing and no longer needing others’ validation; I started to open my mind and began receiving more intuitive messages. It wasn’t entirely surprising since as a child I remember feeling spirits and sensing different energies. Fear made me afraid so I shut myself off from the spirit world, just like I did the real one.
My zodiac sign Cancer was my guide. I became a crab when I felt threatened by my safe space. To be safe, I dived into my shell (soul), and closed it off to the outside world. I followed my elders’ orders, my voice was small and I respected them.
Growing up in a large family meant that you had to shout if you want your voice to be heard. I never did, so most of the time when I was talked over or I didn’t feel heard, I stayed silent.
My family would describe me as happy and smiling, but I was actually in a protective mode. Only certain people were allowed to see my inner child, but even those few, it was hiding for decades.
I had the ability to play independently and tried my best to explain what was happening. I was three years old when it all began. I also thought I was safe because I was groomed. Manipulation at it’s finest.
I found my voice as a teenager and then my cousin died. He was like a brother to me and he was where I always loved to be – at my Papa Ace’s house. My dad would bring me there in the mornings. It was a place I loved to say goodbye to my cousins and his sisters, as I lay on the couch half asleep.
My cousin’s death in high school caused me to start cutting myself. I didn’t know how to cope with his death. Since we were on vacation, I was unable to be there for my family’s funeral.
Begin My Spiritual Journey
When I look back on my high school years, I feel for her. I let grief, no self love, or self respect affect me. My grades weren’t what I was capable of, and I was falling for a boy which resulted in me starting to do out-of-character things.
God provided a saving grace for me. My husband of 16 years was my salvation. I felt again love and he brought God closer to me. During this time I felt more led by Spirit and received more signs.
After being guided by Spirit, I enrolled at Biola University and discovered my faith more. I obtained my bachelor’s degree in journalism and I ended up at a corporate job I hated. It was this job that I worked while I was going through my journey. Recently, I made the decision to leave this hostile environment and work more for moms.
I made the decision to finish editing my book, which was about my motherhood journey. It also allowed me to share my childhood trauma. I decided to get out of my spiritual closet, stop giving mini intuitive readings in closed Facebook group groups, and be more vocal about the spiritual gifts I do have. Now I say I’m more spiritual than religious. God is my center and my heart. He’s my guiding factor, my anchor, Spirit in tow, and my beehive.
At that point, I decided to sign up for HelloGorgeousMama. I wanted to let all moms know I had crossed paths with them. They are beautiful from the inside and have a purpose. Every morning I would say to my firstborn ‘Hello Gorgeous’ as I was deep in my depression. I tell my daughters they are beautiful, I love them, and I sing their songs.
My truth is this – I’m not defined by what happened to me, I’m not better because of what happened to me, and what happened to me did not make me who I am; I did!
I chose myself. Every day I choose me and my loved ones. I choose to love my life now because I love who I am. I choose to be the best version possible of myself for my tribe and me.
There is so much I want to share, so many things to do, and so many decisions to make, it would be a shame to leave the world without these messages of love, light, and hope.
We all have a story to tell but our journey doesn’t stop; we are constantly learning, growing, healing, and discovering. The right circle will support you and love you. I’m a Phoenix who rose out of the ashes like you can too.
I am blessed with little beautiful eyes and they will always matter to my heart. They need to see that one person can make an impact with just one step, one breath, one soul. Our journey does not stop here.”
This article was submitted by Love What Matters Britt Contreras, Founder of Hello Gorgeous Mama. You can follow her journey via Instagram and Apple Podcast. Subscribe to Love What Matters’ newsletter and become a member of the Love What Matters community.
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