Is your child a fussy eater? Try these expert tips

Dr Becky Kennedy, a US parenting expert shares her method for raising children that feels good in a new book. This excerpt is from Good Inside: The Practical Guide to Being a Parent
You Want to Be? It covers food and eating habits.

Kids’ eating habits can cause a lot of anxiety for parents – they may bring up insecurities about our parenting or create power struggles with our children. The feeding process can be very emotional for parents because it is an indicator of how we are able to support our children and provide them with the necessary nutrients to live and thrive. After all, a parent’s primary job is to keep their kids alive. It feels like there is so much at stake in our interactions with our children about food. In some ways, the amount and type of food our child eats can be a barometer of how well we are doing as parents.

When parents around the dinner table start talking about what their kids will or will not eat, what they really seem to be assessing is whether they are doing a good job, whether they are doing enough, whether their kids are willing to “take in” what they want to offer them. This deeper connection between parenting, feeding, and the intensity of mealtime is the first step in reducing its intensity. It helps separate what’s actually happening from the deeper feelings that get evoked in our bodies around this issue, and that helps us intervene in a way that’s based on what’s in front of us, rather than on our fears and insecurities.

Children’s interactions around food can also touch deeper issues. Questions about body sovereignty, control and whether children are able to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their bodies all arise from the interaction between parents and kids. When kids push back at mealtime and say, “I’m not hungry,” or “No, I don’t want that,” or “I’ll only eat if you make me pasta” … what they are really doing is asking questions: “What are parents in charge of and what are kids in charge of?” “When can I make my own decisions?” “Do you trust me?” Kids push boundaries, protest parents’ choices, and ask for unavailable options in order to feel out their own independence … all things they do outside mealtime too, of course.

These two conflicts – the inner issue of parental insecurity as well as the external issue about body sovereignty – eventually cross over. As a child pushes a boundary around food or rejects it entirely, a parent feels like a “bad parent”, causing her to refocus on controlling her kid in an attempt to feel “good” again. But the more a child feels confined, the more she will try to cling onto rejection or pushing boundaries in an attempt to assert her independence. This leads to greater parental desperation and power struggles that can escalate, frustration, and even more despair for everyone.

How can we fix this? How can this negative cycle be broken? What can we do to create better mealtime and food habits that benefit the whole family? I believe the answer begins with the pioneering work of dietitian, psychotherapist and author Ellyn Satter, who created what’s known as the “Division of Responsibility” around eating. Here’s a quick summary of Satter’s framework:

• Parent’s job: Decide what food is available, where it’s offered and when it is served.

• Child’s job: decide whether and how much to eat of what’s offered

What’s so powerful about Satter’s framework is that it allows for the development of healthy eating patterns but it also supports self-regulation, self-confidence, consent, and so much more.

The only thing they are truly in control of is their bodies. Parents need to be aware of their desire to give their children freedom in areas like eating and potty training.

Strategies

Mantra

If you know that food situations with your kids make you feel anxious, or that it’s hard for you to relinquish control when it comes to their eating, use a mantra to remind you of your job and your focus. You might try saying, “My only jobs are the what-when-where. I can do that.” Or, “What my child eats is not most important. I’m doing an excellent job. My child is going to be okay.” Or maybe, “What my child eats is not a barometer of my parenting.”

Explain Roles

My kids and I enjoy having a candid, open conversation about our jobs and how we eat and eat. Share Satter’s division of responsibility as a way of holding yourself accountable as well as letting your kids know what they are and are not in charge of. It might sound like this: “Hey, I learned something interesting today and wanted to share it with you. In terms of food, you and I both have jobs. However, our jobs are very different. It’s my job to decide what we eat, when we eat, and where we eat. And just so you know, I’ll always offer at least one thing that you like so that eating never feels stressful. It’s your job to decide what you eat and how much. That’s kind of interesting, right? It means you get to choose what goes into your body, but it also means you don’t get to tell me to make something new if you want something I didn’t choose that day. I get to choose what we eat that day, but I don’t get to make you take more bites of things or tell you what you have to finish. What do you think of that?”

Strategies for dessert-specific strategies

There’s no one right way to do dessert – the key is simply grounding your decision in your role. Remember, you make the decisions around dessert: whether it’s served, what it is, at what time it’s offered. After that, it’s your kid’s job. But this means parents shouldn’t link dessert to how much a child eats, because that is the domain of a child, not a parent. I know what you’re thinking … “But my kid only wants dessert, he wouldn’t have dinner at all if I didn’t link it to how many bites he has!” This is a good time to reflect and see if the Division of Responsibility model makes sense to you; if it does, then there are a few things to do about dessert. A small dessert can be served with dinner, as in, on the same plate as broccoli, chicken, and pasta. From a practical perspective, I wouldn’t make dessert so large that a child could fully fill up on it, but I also don’t like the idea of delaying dessert so much that it is set up as a prize to be coveted. Desserts that are served alongside dinner are less exciting. This sends a message that you trust your child and encourages him to become less dessert-focused. Other families I’ve worked with serve a “dessert” as an afternoon snack so that dinner isn’t linked with dessert at all.

Snack-Specific Strategies

Oh … snacks. We have the delicious, crunchy, salty and delicious snacks in our pantry. These are the foods our children love, the ones we swear not to buy but end up buying anyway. There’s no right way to do snacks. There are many options. Some parents will not allow their children to snack, while others may give them snacks at no cost. Others might offer snacks for free, while others provide snacks for the family. There is no moral superiority to decisions about snacks, so take note of any parent guilt you’re feeling and then ask yourself this question: “Does my snack approach work for my family?” If you’re thinking, “Well, not really, because I want my kids to eat more at dinner,” or “Not really, because my kids no longer eat non-snack foods,” well, this is the only answer you need. On the other hand, if you don’t mind the amount of snacks your kids have, then you have something that’s working for you.

If you want to make a change, it’s critical to remind yourself that your job is the “what, when, where” – you don’t have to ask your kids’ permission, you just need to announce the change and allow them to have their reactions and feelings. Here’s a quick script: “I’m going to make a change to snacks in our house. We have too many snacks, which means we don’t eat enough dinner, which is the food that helps your body grow. When you get home from school, the only snacks I will offer are X and X. I know that’s a big change and I know it’ll take some time to get used to.”

Tolerate Pushback

Making food decisions with our kids requires us to assert ourselves, say no, and tolerate children’s complaints and distress when they arise. This is a critical piece of implementing Satter’s division of responsibility, because after knowing our role, we have to be willing to fulfil it, and that relies on our ability to handle our child’s not being happy with us. This sounds easy in theory – ”Okay, my child isn’t happy with me, that’s fine!” – but tolerating an unhappy child who’s saying she’s hungry and tantrumming during meals … it’s a lot! Here are some suggestions:

• Remember what you already know to be true: “I know that my child feels safe with one of the foods I offered. It’s not her favourite but it’s a legitimate option. My job is serving and her job is deciding; this isn’t pretty but we are both doing our jobs.”

• Remind yourself you don’t need agreement: “I don’t need my child to agree with me.”

• Allow your child to be upset: “You’re allowed to be upset.”

• Name your wish: “You wish we could have for dinner instead …” or “You wish you were in charge of every food choice.”

• Separate your child’s protest from your decision: “My child’s protest/tantrum doesn’t mean I’m making a bad decision. And it doesn’t mean I’m a bad or cold parent.”

• Remember your job to your child and yourself: “My job as a parent is to make decisions that I think are good for you, even when I know you’re not going to like them.”

– Edited extract taken from Good Inside: A Practical Guide for Becoming the Parent You Desire to Be By Dr Becky Kennedy (HarperCollins), RRP$37.99