How to raise happy teenagers, according to the Danish way of parenting

Raising teenagers is not easy no matter what country you are from. If you use the same parenting principles as the countries that are the most happy, your family will be less stressed.

That’s the claim of Danish psychotherapist Iben Sandahl, who points out her homeland has been voted the happiest country in the world, by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD, oecd.org), almost every year since 1973. Parents who want their teenagers to be happy and well-adjusted should adopt the parenting style of the Danes.

And to show us exactly how to do this, she’s outlined 10 key parenting principles in her new book, The Danish Way Of Raising Teens.

“The focus should be on raising confident, healthy teenagers with character, just like the Danes aim to do,” she explains.

“However difficult it may sound, the focus must be on remaining calm when teens are raging. The Danish Way of Raising Teens is designed for people who want to make it through teenage years without endless arguments. It will help  parents and carers guide teens with trust and calmness, even when there will be challenges.”

Here, Sandahl, who has two daughters aged 19 and 22, explains the core principles of raising teenagers the Danish way…

1. Put your faith in them

Sandahl says trust is something that should be practised from the early years of parenthood – although she stresses it’s never too late to show trust in your child. “It’s like the glue between teenager and parent that makes you close to each other, in a shared, deep commitment,” she says, pointing out that trust helps build wellbeing, security, and trusting relationships. “Trust is a conscious choice; if your teen respects the agreements made jointly and feels their parents trust them unconditionally, they’ll live up to that,” she promises.

2. The value of being together

Togetherness means maintaining a close and meaningful relationship with your teen, with awareness about what’s ‘under construction’ for them. Sandahl stresses that teens still need their parents to be there for them, regardless of how insecure or secure they may feel. “In a world of much insecurity, teenagers need a safe place found in the togetherness of home,” she stresses. “Otherwise, they’ll fly away and find other places outside the home that won’t always be positive and safe.”

3. Encourage them

Empathy, which makes it easier for people to connect with others, is developed in infancy through a child’s relationships with parents, and continues into adolescence, explains Sandahl. She suggests that parents should not only show empathy to their teenage children, but also connect with their own emotions.

“The more open parents are to their feelings, the better teenagers will be at reading their own and others’ emotions. This has a significant impact on how they learn to understand themselves.”

4. Play – but not like a child

Teenagers might be viewed as too old to play. However, it is about building character and independence, and being able to do things on their own, without the help of their parents. Sandahl says that for teenagers, free play is a metaphor for their independence phase, explaining: “For teenagers, play is no longer free play as we know it, from kids jumping in puddles or climbing trees. It’s now expressed as liberation – ‘I can do it myself, and I don’t need your help’, and critical thinking – ‘I don’t think so. Why does it have to be that way, mum?’

“It also involves spontaneity – ‘I feel ready for alcohol. Or sex.’ And forming an independent self, or character-building – ‘I’m the fun one, the smart one, the pretty one’. All of these are natural, and essential steps towards maturity and well-being. Your teenager will, with your support, take small new steps towards becoming a whole individual.”

5. Teach them to properly listen

Sandahl advises parents to teach their children to listen to other people with curiosity and respect and to take a critical look at what they hear. She explains: “It’s reading books that provide historical perspectives and cultural dimensions, as well as being kind to strangers and helping others without expecting anything in return.” The benefits, she says, are that teens become self-aware and will risk standing up for themselves.

6. You must make sure that they feel heard

Although teenagers rarely do anything deliberately to hurt their parents, they will challenge you when they’re not included in decisions or don’t feel listened to, Sandahl points out. Talking openly with your teenagers is a good way to prevent this. You can help them find a compromise and encourage them to accept responsibility for their actions. Such an approach can help when dealing with typical teen issues, such as drinking alcohol, and Sandahl says: “Expectations and knowledge of cultural norms, such as alcohol and partying, are crucial to how teenagers embrace situations. Both sides need to feel heard.”

7. Recognize their uniqueness

Parents need to recognise that it’s stressful for most teens to get to know themselves, and mums and dads need to support their child’s growth “without putting them in a defining box”, stresses Sandahl. She explains that parents should be cautious about what they say. “The way parents view their teenagers enables them to better understand their thoughts, feelings, desires and boundaries, and this greatly impacts their self-esteem,” she explains.

8. Be open and honest

Sandahl suggests that parents talk to their teens about their feelings, bodies, and boundaries. This can help decrease doubts and insecurities. “It boosts teenagers’ self-esteem, letting them see what authentic contact can feel like. It normalises what the imagination runs wild about.”

9. No ultimatums

Don’t give teens an ultimatum, warns Sandahl. She warns that these can create fear and confusion, which can lead rebellion. “Avoiding ultimatums is about communicating values and norms through behaviour,” she explains. “Speak respectfully to your teenager, and they will speak respectfully to you. Stay calm when storms are raging – see beneath the surface and understand why teens behave as they do.”

10. Flashpoints can be viewed differently

Sandahl recommends reframe situations in order to see them in more positive light. “It may be that your teenager comes home late, but called ahead to let you know,” she says. “As a parent, the focus can be on the trust that’s been given and emphasising the positive, instead of scolding because the time’s been exceeded.

“Reframing can heal and change negativity and distrust into something positive and sustainable, which fosters self-esteem and greater happiness within your teenager.”

The Danish Way of Raising Teens by Iben Dissing Sandahl is published by Piatkus, priced £14.99. Now available.