CNN
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People view middle school teachers as either saints or masochists. Strangers will offer sympathy to a parent of a teenage girl.
Middle schoolers are often the least understood and most misunderstood. I taught these grades for more than 10 years and developed a quick retort to pitying comments: “It’s an easier age to teach than it is to be.”
I now have a tween of my own, and I’ll admit it: Middle schoolers are my favorite. These years can feel difficult for both parents and children.
Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor and author of the forthcoming book “Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times,” told me, “Contrary to the negative cultural narrative, the hits your kid takes in middle school aren’t inherently worse than the setbacks they experience at other points in their life. They just happen at a time when kids have little life experience or perspective, their hormones are fluctuating wildly, and they’re still figuring out who they are and who they want to be.”
Because of that, what “looks like meanness often is social clumsiness,” she said, because kids are sorting out how to pick a good friend and be a good friend while swimming in choppy social waters.
Adults’ perception of 11- to 14-year-olds is often colored by our own emotional memories of those years. As one salesclerk told me, “Middle schoolers scare me because those were the worst years of my life.”
Parents often find it surprising how young adolescence can begin. Dr. Lisa Damour, a psychologist and author of the new book “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents,” told me that because we use the term “teenager,” we often don’t expect to see “teen” behavior until about 13.
“But psychologists have always marked age 11 as the beginning of adolescence,” Damour said. “Because of this misunderstanding, many parents feel unnecessarily surprised or worried when their sixth graders suddenly become more private, reject their childhood nicknames or start caring about whether their clothes match what their peers are wearing. This is expectable adolescent behavior, and it’s arriving right on time.”
During these years, your kid’s brain is going through a major growth spurt, second only to the birth to age 3 range. Do you remember how your child has changed from infancy and preschool? You remember how you felt overwhelmed by the intense emotions they brought to each milestone? That’s happening again, and it can be awe-inspiring and taxing.
This is a time to change your mindset about parenting. Instead of looking at middle schoolers with fear, we should be able to marvel at their progress and find ways to strengthen our relationships as they enter this new phase in life. I promise you it’s possible, and here are four ways to do it.
My middle schooler has changed her look in the past year. She learned coding, wrote half a novel and beat me in Wordle. She also memorized Shakespearean insults. And she navigated social drama. My kid can offer stunning insights and then ask Siri to play “The Poop Song,” just to bug me.
“Middle schoolers are a jumble of contradictions and a mystery even to themselves,” Fagell told me, “but that’s what I love about them. Depending on the day — or the minute — a middle schooler can be 14 going on 4 or 14 going on 40. They’re sophisticated and take things in quickly yet aren’t jaded.”
Damour views this combination of adult and childlike qualities as a strength. “I love working with middle schoolers because they are as insightful as they are playful, and they are often very playful,” she said.
Fagell explained that they are insecure but have empathy for others, and a strong desire make a difference. “They truly believe they can change the world — or at least their school’s dress code — with a well-worded petition. Middle schoolers are unflinchingly honest, which can come off as mean at times, but they’re the funniest humans on the planet.”
This age group needs to believe they are loved. But they also need to know they are likable — because they are well aware of the cultural narrative about their age group. Just recently, my tween and I were listening to a radio show where the host said parents have “about 12 good years before kids go bad.” It was a joke, but this sentiment is in the ether.
Think back to your childhood: Do you recall the adults who seemed to really like you? A school librarian or a coach or a friend’s mom? They were the ones who could make you smile when you entered the room, and who took your ideas seriously. Are you still remembering how great that feeling was?
“In my experience,” Damour said, “middle schoolers are at their best around adults who delight in the fact that they are often smart and silly in equal measure.”
Years ago, I came across an interview with acclaimed novelist Toni Morrison in which she shared a question that guided her parenting and that has become my mantra: “When a kid walks in a room — your child or anybody else’s child — does your face light up? That’s what they’re looking for.”
This question is simple and powerful. It’s an action that is within my control when so much about raising kids is not. My children may be moody, but my expression can still say, “I’m so happy to see you.”
“I slammed my bedroom door in my dad’s face last night, and I don’t even know why,” a seventh grader told me one day. Another student shared this insight, “I wish my parents would remember that when I get mad at them, it’s almost because I’m stressed about something else.”
Middle schoolers and most people, anger is often just a tip of the iceberg emotion. You might also feel worry, anxiety, social pressure, loneliness or anxious about an upcoming exam. You might feel tired, hungry, or have a hormone surge. They may be tired, hungry, or experiencing a hormone surge.
If we can resist taking the bait and rising to meet their emotional spike, we can offer them two things they need: validation (“I get why you are upset, and you have a right to be”) and limits (“we don’t use that language because it’s hurtful”).
Middle schoolers require mentors. These are trusted adults who can help them navigate social situations, deal with emotions, make good decisions, and manage their digital lives. “The good news is that you still wield a ton of influence at this age,” Fagell said. “You can help our child acquire key skills and cope with the inevitable awkwardness, self-consciousness and insecurity that every middle schooler is going to experience.”
Middle schoolers are really paying attention to what your words say. “Whether or not your child appears to be listening to you, let alone taking your advice, they’re taking in everything you say and filing it away for future use,” Fagell said. “It may be counterintuitive, but if your child pushes back and argues with you, it’s typically because they respect you, value your opinion and want to figure out what you’re thinking and how they can make you proud.”
As parents, we can use our middle schoolers’ desire for approval to boost their confidence and strengthen our evolving relationship with them. Find ways to say, text or let them overhear you say some variation of: “I really like hanging out with you, you have amazing ideas, or I love the person you are becoming.”
And because it’s true every single day, say this: “I am so lucky to be your parent.”
