Many families co-sleep with their child. This is a practice many families have adopted for many reasons. It’s something that most people believe will end when your child reaches a certain age. What if your tween still comes into our bedroom at night with you? It’s a different experience to share a bed with a toddler than a 12-year old. They take up much more room than they did when they were little, for starters — and if you’re being honest, you probably thought you could have your bed back once they got a little older.
It’s not surprising that you may be worried about your tween sleeping with you. Is this healthy? How can they be broken? When is it time to seek help? Sarah Melancon Ph.D. is a sociologist.
What are the most popular reasons that teens want to share their bed with their parents?
Melancon states that the most common reasons that tweens would like to sleep with parents are:
- Anxiety and anxious attachment
- Fear of the Dark
- Struggling with school-related or social problems, whether with friends, family, or siblings
- Difficult situations, such as the death of a friend or relative, a parent’s serious medical diagnosis, divorce
- Nightmares
What are some possible issues?
Most parents don’t want to co-sleep with their kid for life, but Melancon says one benefit that might explain why your tween wants to share a bed with you.
“While in many modern families, each child may have their own bedroom or share with a sibling, our ancestors had limited space, and thus the whole family tended to sleep in the same space,” Melancon explains. “When we are in close proximity to others, our nervous systems pick up on one another’s state in a process called co-regulation. Because we are social beings, it naturally feels good to us when our nervous systems are in alignment with one another and can cause us to release oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’).”
Thus, it may not simply be fears or anxieties that drive your tween towards your bed — “Their nervous system is also likely benefitting from being physically close, helping to ease their worries,” Melancon says.
Melancon believes that a child sleeping in your room is a good thing for you, but it may be disruptive. “As adults, we have a need for our own space. Parents need downtime and to ‘turn off’ parent mode to relax and feel like a complete human.”
Your tween may also be sleeping in your bedroom, which could affect your intimacy and sexuality (single or partnered). You may also feel frustrated, anxious, or irritable because of disruptions to your sleep quality.
How can I help my tweens to sleep well on their own?
Melancon is positive that with some patience and a bit of TLC your tween can start to sleep independently. She suggests that you establish a clear boundary, but with compassion, so that they can transition to independent sleeping within a set timeframe (e.g., one to two week).Your tween should sleep in their room.
“Share the benefits of the situation — for instance, it has been wonderful to be close and help them to feel safe — and at the same time, this arrangement is, unfortunately, causing stress,” she says, adding, “Give them time to get used to the idea. Allow space for whatever feelings in your child arise without judgment or making them wrong.”
She suggests that they ask for their opinions on how to make the transition easier. “For instance, perhaps for the first week, a parent stays in the room until they fall asleep,” she says. “Together, create a step-by-step plan of what will happen as you both prepare for this change. Talk about it every day to check in and provide reassurance.”
You might also want to create a positive evening routine emphasizing connection to fill up their “emotional cup” before bedtime separation. “The routine must be tailored for your child’s particular interests and needs,” Melancon says. “That might include physical activity (taking a walk, jumping on a trampoline, playing tag, yoga), quieter activities (such as drawing, playing games), and communicating about their day and any feelings that came up.”
Try practicing mindfulness together before bed. “Mindfulness may help your tween become aware of their thoughts and feelings, calm anxieties, and be in the present moment,” Melancon explains.
But most importantly, Melancon says it’s important to understand what is happening to your child emotionally when they crawl into bed with you. “Whether they are being bullied at school, having nightmares, or upset about their grandmother’s death — there is always an emotional reason behind their behavior.”
What are the signs that your tween may be struggling?
Melancon says that a child therapist could be of help:
- If your child experiences extreme emotions, such as panic attacks or becoming physically violent or destroying property,
- If your child refuses to cooperate but becomes depressed, withdraws, stops eating or adopts new problem behaviors,
- If your tween is unable to fall asleep or stay asleep in their room,
Remember, there’s zero shame in (a) wanting to reclaim your bed for yourself and (b) in asking for help if you realize your tween coming into your bed at night is about more than just being afraid of the dark. A child therapist can help your kid get to the root of what’s really bothering them so that Everyone You can sleep a lot better at night.
