Parents also have love languages. Here’s how you can find yours.

The five love languages, a concept developed by pastor and writer Gary Chapman, have become a popular framework for looking at relationships. The idea behind the five love languages is that each of us has our preferred ways of receiving and exchanging love. Knowing these preferences can help to strengthen our relationships with our loved ones.

Chapman identified five love languages: physical touch, words and affirmations, acts of service, quality times, gifts, and words of affirmation.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we tend to think of love language. However, experts suggest it is helpful to consider the role they play when it comes to relationships with our children. 

I’ll admit that I was a bit skeptical that the idea of love languages would be relevant to parenting. Because my whole life revolves around my kids, everything I do feels like an act of love. Is it possible to not see this? It didn’t matter how they expressed love to me; my love for them is unwavering and constant.

After taking the quiz, I discovered that physical touch was my preferred love language. Looking at my parenting from that angle, it’s easy to see why I felt so fulfilled (and, honestly, competent) when I was caring for an infant who spent all day in my arms, and why breastfeeding was so important to me. It helps to explain why I struggle sometimes to feel connected with my teenager who has stopped sleeping through the night. 

You’re probably using each of these love languages with your child already, but taking a moment to recognize when you choose to use each one, and thinking about how your own preference influences the way you express your love, is an opportunity to strengthen your connection with your kid.

It’s important to note that love languages are a theory. “Although they are based on research-backed ways of communicating love, the entire concept has not been validated by research,” child psychologist Cara Goodwin told HuffPost. Love languages are a tool — one of many — you can use when thinking about your family relationships.

It’s a good idea for you to consider the love languages you use with your children, and then to assess how they most feel loved. 

“Our children are all unique, and it’s worth taking time to explore the different types of attention that they respond most to, as this can help us as parents to form an even deeper connection with them,” Genevieve von Lob, clinical psychologist and author of “Happy Parent, Happy Child,” told HuffPost.

There are patterns to the way that parents show their love for their children. 

“Research finds that the most common love language that parents use with their child is acts of service, followed by physical touch, quality time and then gifts,” Goodwin said. “The least common is words of affirmation.”

It’s possible that a child may feel like you are holding back affection because you’re not articulating your love with words. You may also feel that all the things you do to your child on any given day is a greater measure of your love. 

There are online quizzes you can use to identify your child’s love language ― but you can also figure it out pretty quickly once you start looking for clues. 

“Pay attention to what your kids say,” Mercedes Samudio, therapist and author of “Shame-Proof Parenting,” told HuffPost. “Don’t try to reinvent the wheel. Look at what you’re already doing that your kids are already saying, ‘Can we do more of that?’ ‘Do that again.’ ‘I like that.’”

This could be as simple as making pancakes for dinner. Parents should “make an effort to communicate love to their child in a way that matches their love language, even if it might feel slightly unnatural for themselves,” Goodwin said.

Just make sure that when you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone, you’re still coming from a place of authenticity. 

“Children are very perceptive and they don’t play along with cookie-cutter parenting techniques,” von Lob said. “They respond to warmth, connection and attachment, so it’s important that you feel comfortable and believe in the love language you are using.”

No matter the love language, it’s important not to withhold affection from kids, even if they don’t seem to be reacting. 

“It is developmentally normal for children to act ungrateful toward expressions of love, and it does not mean they are not experiencing gratitude (only that they are not expressing it),” Goodwin explained.

Don’t let that stop you from expressing affection frequently, in various ways, with your kids. Goodwin cited research showing that having a very affectionate mother as a baby was associated with less distress in adulthood. “In other words, you cannot love your children ‘too much,’” she said. 

Be aware that not all affections will be reciprocated. 

“Parents should recognize that their children will not always satisfy their love languages,” Goodwin said, adding that parents need to have other people in their lives to meet this need.  

Understanding your love language can help you to see family dynamics from a different perspective. “Oftentimes, I’ll hear parents say, ‘No one appreciates me in my family. Nobody knows what I do. No one sees it,’” Samudio said.

Thinking about the interplay of love languages in your home can help you see ways that your family is showing love, just not the way that you need it — and perhaps “that when you’re not getting it that way, how that’s depleting you,” Samudio said. This might be the case. You may want to look for ways to fulfill your needs in other relationships. 

However, you can show gratitude to your children when they show affection. Goodwin gave the following examples: “Thank you for hugging me. That really filled my bucket after a hard day.” Or: “Did you notice that your brother worked so hard to draw that picture for you?”

Consider these things as a parent based upon your love language preferences.

If, like me, you find those nighttime cuddles sustaining, there’s no reason to hold back on hugs and kisses — unless your child isn’t receptive.

Goodwin cited research showing that a lot of maternal touch helps kids develop their “social brain,” as well as another study showing that maternal touch early in life correlates with psychosocial and moral development. 

“If your child doesn’t want a hug or physical closeness, you may notice that you may feel pushed away and rejected,” von Lob said. She referred to these points of sensitivity as “rejection buttons,” in which a minor incident can trigger raw feelings. It can be helpful to recognize when this happens to you, and remember that the feeling is more about you and your past than your child’s actual love.

You may need to be creative if your child has sensory sensitivity, autism, or another neurological condition. 

You should also consider the environment. It’s normal for kids to get more self-conscious about expressing affection in public as they grow, but you may be able to hold on to that goodnight hug and kiss for a while longer. 

Finally, if your needs for physical affection just aren’t getting met, you can ask your partner to step up, or find other ways to get your fill. It’s likely no coincidence that now that my “babies” are big, I spend a lot of time cuddled up on the couch with our family dog. 

“I really appreciate all the effort you put into getting dinner on the table tonight” — not a sentence one of my kids has uttered. Yet. I still believe.

Kids aren’t known for praising their parents, but there are ways to encourage them to get in the habit of expressing love and gratitude verbally.

Samudio suggests setting up an “affirmation” or “kind words” box. You can have all family members write or dictate a gratitude note or expression of appreciation for another family member throughout the week. At a designated time, each member of the family will take out affirmations and then read them. This way, Samudio explained, “it becomes OK, we as a family cultivate words of affirmation” rather than just meeting the needs of one person.

When “everyone is saying kind words to each other, we all benefit,” she said. 

When your offer words of praise to your children, it’s important “that the praise feels genuine and earned,” said von Lob. She recommends being specific, such as “Thanks for helping me unpack the groceries,” rather than “You’re so helpful.” 

Also, you might want to think about whether your praise supports growth mindset. This is where your children see accomplishments as a result if effort and not fixed, innate talent. 

“Parents need to be careful to praise their child’s effort, strategy, and process, rather than praising traits that they cannot change as easily (such as intelligence, talent, or beauty),” Goodwin said, noting that research has found that this growth-focused or “process praise” enhances children’s “intrinsic motivation and persistence when faced with challenges.”

Although parenting is often seen as an act of service, some parents may find fulfillment in making a special meal for their child or putting up a bed. These might become family customs, such as making a Halloween costume from scratch or baking a birthday cake.

Just keep in mind that you don’t want to overdo it. “Parents who enjoy acts of service need to be careful that they are not getting in the way of their child learning important skills to gain independence,” Goodwin said. Children should also learn how to do laundry and cook.

If acts of service are your love language and it feels like your family members aren’t sending you a lot of love in this way, Samudio suggests being specific in your requests and spelling out what they mean to you. 

For example, if you want your family members not to forget to bring their dishes into the kitchen, you might say: “You know that I don’t like the dishes all over the house, so when you make the conscious choice to put it away, I feel like you care about me.” 

All kids benefit from a parent’s complete attention, especially when it’s one-on-one. It can be a challenge to fit this into a hectic schedule, but you don’t need a lot of time for this to be effective — it’s about quality, not quantity. 

It takes just 10 minutes to make a difference in the way you relate with your child.

“Quality time should ideally involve one-on-one time with few distractions, including no use of phones or technology and resisting our urges to be productive during this time,” Goodwin said. “Try to focus all of your attention on your child.”

While some children may need more one-on-1 time than others, all children will experience phases. For example, the arrival of a sibling is a great time to begin scheduling regular one on one time with an older child.

“I see it like our children needing to ‘plug into’ us, and when they have had their fill of your full attention and presence, they feel more connected to you and their ‘attachment tank’ is filled up,” von Lob explained.

If quality time is your own love language, you may particularly savor these moments, but most parents will also see an improvement in their kids’ behavior and an ease in their interactions following some dedicated one-on-one time.    

It is possible to make time for family members in small, daily ways throughout the week. You don’t need a fancy vacation to connect with each other. It could be a meal together, a game of board games, or just a walk in the neighborhood. Samudio said that she has seen families connect through playing video games together.

To find the right activity, she suggested asking “How do I know that I’ve spent quality time with my family?” and then “trying to see how to cultivate more of that during your week.”

As with acts of service, it’s most important that gifts are meaningful. They don’t need to be big, expensive or frequent.

I was once told by a child care worker that I should never turn down food offered to me by children. It would be a disservice to their generosity. This was a potentially very gross suggestion. I definitely didn’t want my baby’s soggy Cheerios anywhere near my mouth. I did find, however, that I could make a big show of thanks and do my best Cookie Monster impression of “eating” the food, which their giggles seemed to indicate they appreciated on some level. This strategy worked equally well with Play-Doh leaves, Play-Doh and other imaginary food.

If you love gifts as your love language, then be open to receiving small or unusual gifts from your children. 

Let your child know that you appreciate their effort and intention even more than the gift itself: “You remembered that peanut butter cups are my favorite. Thank you for thinking of me.” 

Remember that your kids’ love languages will likely change over time, so be attentive to how they’re receiving the love you express for them. As they grow and change, you want to keep this love constant.

Kids should know that “you don’t get your love language based on how good you are. It doesn’t get taken away from you based on how bad you are,” Samudio said. “It’s just something that we do in our family to show that we care about each other.”