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According to a recent study published in the Society for Research in Child Development, how dads and moms view one another as co-parents can impact how well their children are adjusted.
The study surveyed 2,915 low-income couples in seven states, all of whom had children younger than age 5.
The best-adjusted children had two parents who were positive about the co-parenting relationship. If a mother had a less positive view of co-parenting than her father, the children were more well adjusted.
However, the child suffered when the father wasn’t as positive about co-parenting as the mother.
It can be difficult to co-parent and it can be hard to talk with your child. But there are ways to do it so your child thrives, says Irina Gorelik, a child psychologist at Williamsburg Therapy Group.
She states that the goal is to not have perfect coparenting, but to keep a dialogue open between parents and child, so that when things change or are difficult, there is a family environment of working together through them.
CNBC Make It spoke with Gorelik about the skills necessary to parent a child well. This interview was edited to be more concise and clear.
Aditi Shrikant: How can you co-parent your child well?
Irina Gorelik: Communication, clear boundaries and setting clear expectations are just a few of the key skills that you need to master. These skills can be applied to the parent-child relationship as well as co-parenting relationships.
Children and adults thrive in environments that are safe. They feel safer if there is consistency in their environments.
This may be as simple as establishing a schedule for when each parent will be with the child, keeping similar rules at each home and notifying the children about any changes or differences.
When possible, it is important to show positive and healthy communication towards the other parent.
Children and adults thrive in environments that are safe. They will feel more secure if they have the same environment every day.
Irina Gorelik
Shrikant: Sometimes, this can be quite difficult. What are the risks for your child if you share negative comments with them?
Gorelik: Children often get caught up in conflictual relationships between parents and end up being the ones who are at the center of these conflicts. Parents who are frequently stressed, frustrated, or resentful can tend to share too much with their child or talk negatively of the other parent in a way not appropriate for their child.
This can lead to the child feeling that they need to pick sides or take care their parents emotionally.
If parents continue to engage in this behavior, it can lead to “parentification,” which is when children switch roles with their parent and feel they have to care for them emotionally or physically.
Shrikant: What are some other ways to help your child create a positive and stable environment?
Gorelik: The best way to talk to children about co-parenting is to consider where they are at the moment. Children may feel anxious about changes coming, even though they aren’t aware or control of them.
Talking with children about these changes can make them feel included and help them explore their fears.
A children’s book on co-parenting or separation can be helpful for your child. These books can help to facilitate the discussion and provide examples that will help your child deal with any emotions. I love to read “Dinosaurs Divorce” with elementary-aged kids. It is a guide for changing families.
Reminding the child of the things that will not change is a good idea. It can be helpful for the child to know that it is okay to ask questions and to share their feelings when things change.
It is important to not pressurize your child to discuss this as they may not be ready to or willing to.
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