When my parents dropped me off at college, they weren’t as sad as I wanted them to be. Once I graduated, my parents threw me out the door like a javelin.
It hurt at the time. I now see the truth. Parents of three teenage daughters were probably thinking, “One down, two more to go.”
Since my parents kicked me out (gently but firmly) decades ago, a lot has changed. Record numbers of young adults are returning to their parents’ homes. According to a survey by the Pew research center, half of Americans aged 18-29 live with their parents.
This isn’t shocking: Many are reeling from student debt, the rise of housing costs and stagnating entry-level salaries, as well as the psychological, physical and economic toll of the coronavirus pandemic.
It’s common for parents to worry that their adult children might be “failing to launch,” delaying milestones like moving out, settling into a job or starting a family. These concerns are unfounded according to Laurence Steinberg, professor of psychology and neurology at Temple University, who has studied psychological development and relationships with young adults and teenagers for the past 45 years.
He analyzed the data of the U.S. Census Bureau, and other government agencies. He found that on average, a young adult starts a family 13 years after graduating college. “It took their parents’ generation about eight years to make the same journey,” Dr. Steinberg said. People who haven’t yet settled down at 30 might seem like slackers to their parents, he added, “but they may be right on schedule by today’s standards.”
Reading these stats, however, doesn’t make communicating with your kid easy. In his new book, “You and Your Adult Child: How to Grow Together in Challenging Times,” Dr. Steinberg provides clear guidelines for avoiding arguments and creating more effective bonds. Here are some tips from Dr. Steinberg.
Don’t compare yourself with your children.
Avoid the phrase “‘when I was your age,’ which is almost always said in a deprecating way,” Dr. Steinberg said. He explained: “It’s akin to saying ‘don’t talk back’ to a 4-year-old. You didn’t grow up in the same era they did.”
You may think, for example, that your child’s adult age is too late to find a partner. The average age of marriage in the United States has risen dramatically over the last 50 years, according to Dr. Steinberg. In 1961 the average woman was around 21 when she married her first husband; for men, it was 24. According to census data from 2021, the average age of marriage for American women is 28 and for men it’s around 30.
“No other transition into adulthood has been delayed by nearly this much,” Dr. Steinberg said. “And many young adults are happy to be single and childless.”
Respect their autonomy.
Dr. Steinberg stated that the parents of young adults of today are helicopter parents. They spend more on their children and hover protectively over them than their predecessors.
“These parents have been very, very involved from the get-go, searching for a preschool like it was a matter of life and death,” he said. They may feel more connected to their children and worry more because of this.
As these children get older, parents may assume there’s no reason to scale back their involvement, Dr. Steinberg wrote in his book, and it can be tough when children “individuate,” or introduce a little emotional distance.
He said to take cues from children. Don’t guilt them if, for example, they don’t text you back right away — or at all. “Adjust your expectations about being in touch,” he said. “I tell parents to remind themselves that your child isn’t rejecting you as a person. They are trying to demonstrate that they’re capable, and they don’t need to rely on you.”
Keep opinions to yourself (unless you’re asked for them).
Dr. Steinberg suggested holding your tongue, unless your child is going to do something “dire and irreparable,” such as marrying someone with a history of violence, or investing money in something dicey. According to him, allowing kids to make minor mistakes helps them feel competent.
Parents may still be surprised by some of the reckless things that their young adult children do, he said, “but they’re still developing the capacity to rein in their impulses and emotions, which is why so many risky behaviors peak during this stage.”
Dr. Steinberg suggested framing your opinion as a question that will help your child to think about the issue. “This suggests that you’re looking to them to instruct you about something rather than the other way around, and you might learn something from it,” he explained.
Embrace collaboration.
Dr. Steinberg offers a solution for parents who are having conflicts with their kids. He calls it collaborative problem-solving. The rules are simple: You and your child agree to listen to each other’s perspectives (without sarcasm or put-downs). You and your child can then brainstorm solutions, weighing the pros, cons, and other factors without judging each one.
This strategy, he added, is better than compromising, which “has been said is just a way of ensuring that no one is entirely happy with the solution.” It works because both parties have input and can tackle the problem together as equals.
This technique takes effort, he said, but it’s worth it. It’s like parenting.
Beginners shouldn’t be intimidated by the kettlebell.
The oddly-shaped weights are a staple of most gyms and provide a full-body, low-impact workout that improves balance, increases grip strength, strengthens your core, etc. Hilary Achauer explores their history (they’ve been around since 1704), how to begin using them and three easy-to-master movements.
Read the story Kettlebell Training: How to get into the swing of it
Two states have proposed banning harmful food additives.
Dana G. Smith reports that legislators in New York and California want to ban the manufacture and sale of products with additives linked to health problems. An expert she spoke to described the five additives named in the bills — commonly found in baked goods, candy and soda — as “the worst of the worst.”
You’re welcome for becoming a subscriber
You can read past issues of the newsletter by clicking here.
If you’re enjoying what you’re reading, please consider recommending it to others. Sign up for our newsletters here. Subscribe to our newsletters and receive them exclusively.
We’d love to hear from you. We’d love to hear from you. Email us at [email protected].
