It can seem like there are endless stories of dads who don’t do their part. In heteronormative couples, the default parenting role is usually given to the mother. This can be a lot of work. Moms truly carry more than their fair share, and that even includes planning events that don’t center on them, like daddy-daughter dances.
Lori Sugarman Li, a family coach based in Chicago, shares a friendly reminder with moms all over the world that they don’t have to do everything, especially when it comes to their partners. Sugarman-Li wrote a post on Instagram about a female client of hers who said she was going to meet with a group of moms to plan a father-daughter dance for their kid’s school.
Sugarman-Li encouraged moms to “release” their obligation to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders, calling on dads to “plan the dance.”
“I couldn’t begin to tally the number of hours I’ve put in as a volunteer at my children’s schools. Everything from bake sales to book swaps to chairing fundraising galas to being Head of the entire Parents Association,” Sugarman-Li wrote in the caption.
“Everything from bake sales to book swaps to chairing fundraising galas to being Head of the entire Parents Association. There are a few (notable, but wonderful!) exceptions. “I do this community-building, soul-nourishing work with women. ✨”
She describes working with these women as an inspiring experience where passionate and creative minds come together for the greater good, and while Sugarman-Li insists that men share these same traits — minus the underlying sense of obligation.
She finds that society lacks the “notion that this is a space where [dads] belong and “can impact their children’s journey in such meaningful ways.
“School and community volunteering has for too long been categorized as women’s work. It’s now time for Dads to step up. Plan your dance. Show your daughters how you feel about the future. Show your sons how to rock this beautiful work,” she concluded.
Instagram user commented that this idea is a Catch-22.
“What I’ve continuously heard among male clients and men, in general, is that there wouldn’t be these events if men had to do this,” she wrote. “It can be hard to articulate the need for help or to take full responsibility when someone doesn’t see value in the thing in the first place.”
So basically, if men were “in charge” of planning the father-daughter dance, there wouldn’t even be a dance because most men just don’t think that way. Frustrating? You bet.
Sugarman-Li was told Good Morning America The idea that a bunch of moms would organize an event for their kids is just normal and part of the unbalanced domestic work between parents.
“It sort of struck me in that moment, that is representative of so many things and so many examples and so many hours of volunteering that women offer for the benefit of others,” she said.
“In sharing this post, I truly wanted to” [highlight] “In addition to these important conversations, we need to start a discussion about what is happening in our communities and the burden that women bear in terms of community volunteering.”
She then cited a personal example of this perpetuation in her own life as she attended a parents’ association meeting for her own sons, ages 10 and 12, the week prior when she noticed that not one man was present — 17 women and not one man.
“I was so aware of that void of not having any male voices around the table,” she said, adding that she spoke to fellow moms at the meeting about getting more dads involved.
“We were laughing because not only did we go through the entire agenda at hand, to try to solve all those problems, but now we carry the problem of how to get more men involved.”
Oh the irony — add it to the never-ending list for mom!
