“THIS is the face of postpartum depression.
This is it.
Can’t believe it, can you?
After several miscarriages I became a mother for the first. My son was perfectly healthy. I wanted a baby so badly that it kept me up at night.
I was the mom who did handstands to ‘help the process’ (if you know, you know). I checked temperatures. I watched what my partner and myself ate and drank. If Babycenter said something was bad, we were not allowed to have it near us.
I bled all the time when I was pregnant. I was constantly afraid that I might lose this child. Fear was a constant emotion that I lived with.
My mom called me one morning and told me that my brother was in California under a tsunami warning. All the way in Florida, I felt doom come over my entire body because I felt like that meant something bad could happen and I might not be able to experience my baby like I’ve always dreamed I would.
I was the daughter of the family that had the baby. Our families were overjoyed. We were all over the moon. He was born.
The first few days weren’t bad as far as his health went. Yes, he had jaundice, and I was a mess emotionally, but I was mostly doing well.
I was staying at my Mom’s house, who put together an entire nursery for me because I would be there for 6 weeks with my husband traveling for work. He had 6 days to go after our first baby was born.
I was tired. I had a few stitches, but it was fine.
The exhaustion followed. Night sweats. The constant screaming.
The struggles with breastfeeding The jaundice. The doctors and hospital pushing pushing pushing that if my milk didn’t come in with a force I would starve my child and his liver would fail because the bilirubin needs to go. Formula formula formula!
I wanted proof that I could do this. This was my destiny.
I didn’t want to look like a failure. I didn’t want to ask for help.
My husband had gone away, but my mother was with me every day begging me to let me help her. To let her put the baby in a different room.
Kelsei, GET SOME SLEEP.
Kelsei, you’re doing amazing, but you are beyond exhausted.
KELSEI, IT’S OKAY TO ACCEPT HELP.
I screamed at her one night while my son was in one of his colic crying fits and I’ll never forget it. The guilt and shame I feel to this day seriously replays in my head like it’s happening right in front of me.
‘WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT A BABY?! Why would someone do that to themselves? HOW COULD YOU LOVE SOMETHING SO MUCH AND WANT TO DIED, MOM? HOW!?!?’ I had thoughts of harming myself.
Once I was nursing and woken up by my son. My son was lying on my left breast, which was the one closest to the edge. As soon as I woke, I jerked the head up. He was just falling off of the boppy pillow when I caught him.
I caught him, and he was fine but I wasn’t.
My nipples had cracked and bled. The breastfeeding consultant at the local hospital made me even more uncomfortable. I went to my OBGYN, and he told me how what I was feeling was ‘normal’ and ‘everyone goes through this.’ He missed my silent cries.
When he asked what kinds of thoughts I was having, I couldn’t voice them well; I was stumbling. I was constantly saying I love my son, I don’t want to be without him, but he just doesn’t stop crying. That I’m not sleeping, but it’s okay because I got the child I prayed for.
It was always a pat on the back and a, ‘You’re doing a great job, mama!’
It was never, ‘Kelsei, of course you love him and always wanted him. No one doubts that, but I need you to know it’s okay to confide in me. And when you confide in me, you won’t be seen as weak. You won’t be looked at as a failure. No one is coming to take your baby.’
I knew that I was at a point where I needed help when I convinced myself my mother would kidnap the child I gave her (the one who begged to help me but never made me feel guilty for it).
I didn’t want anyone to hold him, attempt to change him, look at his clothes wrong, judge a sound he was making, none of it. Because if they did, I just knew I wasn’t doing it right and they were thinking that.
Guys, I was convinced that everyone around me would harm my child. I was drowning when people started to reach out and try to help. I told myself that the doctor would take away my child if he knew the true intrusive thoughts. I would be in a mental ward and never see my son again.
That is the same person you’re looking at in these pictures. A proud mother, a woman who prayed to have this child.
It took six months for me to get help. I had no choice but to stop nursing my baby because I needed to take heavy medication. I had to tell myself I wasn’t failing my son just because I had to stop with the ‘natural’ way and go the formula route.
It was a while before I got ‘better,’ but let me tell you something. When I look back, that was a scary time. I should have been more heard.
More people should have not sugar coated this reality as something ‘everyone feels’ and ‘normal.’ Because although it’s normal to have baby blues, it’s not normal to get to this point without recognizing it and getting help to get through it.
Wake up. Wake up. Women’s bodies go through changes that are extreme. It’s not just about the stretch marks. I’m talking a complete chemical change. Some of us can bounce back, but some can’t.
It’s sad a tragedy has to happen for this conversation to be more seen. It’s sad a mother was literally going crazy internally and she was still expected to be ‘normal’ because:
Hello! You’re a mom!
You wanted that!
You have these kids!
You knew exactly what it was you were doing
This isn’t a media cry. This isn’t women or moms trying to get attention. Here’s your chance to learn more about postpartum mental illness and depression.
This is your chance to realize no situation is the same as someone else’s and no one should be shamed or made to feel shame because they cannot pull themselves out of dark hole of what can be motherhood so easily.
Listen to the signs. Look out for signs.
Some of us didn’t want the help and didn’t want to look like we were failing. But The following are some of the most effective ways to improve your own personal effectiveness. We all, whether or not we admit it, need the assistance. We need the boost.
You will be fine, Moms-to-be. YES. But when you don’t feel okay, please understand you aren’t the only one and you won’t be the last. This doesn’t make YOU or your situation any less important.
Listen to what your body is telling you. Call for help. Call a doctor. Call the doctor. Take a rest.
If your partner isn’t helping you make those things happen, call me. I can provide you with a safe haven. I can come hold your child for days so that you feel human again.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.”
Kelsei Fraser submitted this story for Love What Matters. Subscribe to our free newsletter to get our best stories.
Learn more about Postpartum:
An Open Letter To A Mom Currently Suffered From Postpartum Depressive Disorder
Mothers Talk About The Moment They Knew Postpartum Depressive Disorder And Needed Assistance
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